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Synthetic Conversation
As it might be overhead at HP
INT: Day. Somewhere in the middle of an enormous cubicle sea.
RON and DAVE occupy cubicles across the walkway from each other and are both busily working at their desks. DUSTIN sits in the cube adjacent to RON and is not seen by the camera.
RON
Where is Phelisha, anyway?
DAVE
Out. Some idiot knocked her unconscious with a baguette and ran off with her puffed Kashki.
RON
Geez, that's terrible.
DAVE
Right there in the parking lot of the Pic-N-Sav.
RON
Unbelievable.
(Pause)
RON
Where was the baguette from?
DAVE
Ralph's, I think.
RON
Figures. His bread's hard as rock. Phelisha should've gone to Champagne instead.
DAVE
Yeah. Champagne clearly makes a far superior baguette.
RON
Crispy on the outside.
DAVE
And soft on the inside.
RON
Too soft to knock someone out with, I'd think.
DAVE
And she'd be sitting here with us right now.
(Pause)
RON
I can't get my data to correlate.
DAVE
Few do.
RON
The points are all over the place. What am I supposed to do with this?
DAVE
Make up some new data.
RON
Right.
DAVE
I'm serious. Your presentation is in - what - two hours?
RON
That's a bit too sleazy for me, even by my amazingly sleazy standards.
DAVE
That's just what Phelisha used to say. And look what happened to her.
RON
(thougtfully)
Knocked out by bad french bread for trendy breakfast cereal.
(Pause)
RON (cont.)
Was it one of those collector's boxes of Kashki?
DAVE
What?
RON
You know, the ones with the limited edition yoga refrigerator magnet inside?
DAVE
I have no idea what you're talking about.
RON
Sure you do. I know I've seen Kashki all over at your place.
DAVE
Never.
RON
Really?
DAVE
Don't eat it. Don't buy it.
RON
U-huh. Alright. Whatever. Take the high road.
DAVE
Swear to God. Dave eat no Kashki.
RON
But don't you ever wonder?
DAVE
What?
RON
What it tastes like?
DAVE
What what tastes like?
RON
Kashki!
DAVE
Ummmmmmm. No.
RON
I see.
(Pause)
DUSTIN
Anyone know a 10-letter word for "bookkeeping profession?"
DAVE
Um, try librarianism.
RON
Is that even a word?
DUSTIN
Doesn't matter. Too many letters. I think 56-down is "accounting," actually.
(Pause)
RON
Librarianism - sounds like some alternative lifestyle, or something.
DAVE
Yeah, don't it?
RON
Taking care of all those books. Keeping the card catalog up to date.
DAVE
Wearing thick glasses and ratty woolen shawls.
RON
Driving the bookmobile around the ghetto.
DAVE
Braving drive-by's to check volumes out to needy children.
RON
That's dangerous. And underappreciated.
DAVE
Hell yeah.
(Pause)
RON
I bet librarians are a really small percentage of the overall population.
DAVE
A segment smaller than most alternative lifestyles, I'd bet.
RON
Someone should really be looking out for them.
DAVE
Because the silent majority sure as hell won't.
(Pause)
RON
I think we just found a cause worth fighting for.
DAVE
I think you're right.
(Pause)
RON
You know what else I'm thinking?
DAVE
Mmmm. Crispy on the outside, soft on the inside?
RON
Must obtain baguette. Now.
DAVE
While they're still warm.
RON
Uh-huh.
DAVE
Do you think the Pic-N-Save still has any boxes of collector's Kashki left?
RON
It is a distinct possibly.
There is an awkward, extended pause. They both stop work and look up at each other for a moment. Then, they jump out of their chairs and run frantically towards the nearest exit.
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